What a year this has been! I fought a dragon for the best part of the year and am just now recovering from the battle. I don't yet know if I was able to slay that beast, time will tell, but I definitely kicked his scaly butt! (OK, I had plenty of help...) In the process, I made new and beautiful friends, met some incredibly kind and dedicated people, was reminded of the deep and unconditional love of my family and friends, had the awesome power of prayer reaffirmed, and discovered strength I didn't know I had. Good bye, 2011! I am ready to start the first year of the rest of my life! Happy New Year, everyone!

Christmas is Coming

Christmas is coming, the geese 

are getting fat

Please put a penny in the old

 man's hat

If you haven't got a penny, a 

ha'penny will do

If you haven't got a ha'penny, 

then God bless you!

Of Course, It's Real....I Was Warned About It

Study of breast cancer patients suggests 'chemo brain' is real

Breast cancer patients who were treated with chemo in addition to radiation performed worse on tests of cognitive function than patients treated with surgery alone, according to a new study. (Chris Hondros/Getty Images)

 

By Karen Kaplan, Los Angeles Times / For the Booster Shots blog

November 14, 2011, 5:19 p.m.

Here’s new evidence that the condition known as “chemobrain” is real: A study of breast cancer patients finds that women who had chemotherapy along with surgery to treat their disease had more trouble kicking their brains into high gear than women who were treated with surgery alone. They also performed much worse on tests of mental function than a group of healthy women who served as controls.

The study, published Monday in Archives of Neurology, included 25 breast cancer survivors who had surgery and chemotherapy, 19 breast cancer survivors who had surgery but no chemotherapy, and 18 women with no history of breast cancer who were picked because their ages, level of education and menopausal status were similar to those of the women who had chemo. All of the study volunteers were asked to solve a series of brain teasers while their brain activity was recorded by

 an MRI machine. Volunteers also took a standardized test to measure their “executive function” and another test to assess how well they thought their brains were working.

The functional MRI results showed that areas of the brain involved in memory, planning and attention weren’t as active in the women who had chemo as in the other breast cancer survivors or the healthy controls

. The women in the chemo group took longer to recognize patterns in a card-sorting game administered by a computer. Worse still, “even though the chemotherapy-treated women took more time on this task, they still made more errors,” according to the study.

The results probably won’t come as a surprise to these women – in the tests used to assess how well they thought their own brains were functioning, the women who had chemo reported more problems with executive function tasks than women in the other two groups.

(The researchers also noticed some functional differences in the brains of breast cancer survivors who did not have chemo, but those differences didn’t seem to translate into problems with problem-solving tasks.) The findings suggest that chemotherapy may cause “neurotoxic brain injury,” the study authors wrote.

But it’s also possible that the disease itself may be responsible. After all, the women who got chemo  tended to be diagnosed with more advanced cases of breast cancer than the women who were treated with surgery alone. Teasing apart whether the aggressiveness of the cancer or the chemo used to fight it is more to blame will take further study, the authors wrote.

A summary of the study is available here.

It is very real.  I just hope it is reversible, at least to some degree.  I can definitely tell I have an impaired cognition since chemo and it is quite frustrating.  

Rabies in Mangum?

This is the third fox taken in town in the last month that showed signs of rabies, according to local officials. The photo was taken in our yard. This gray fox was out in the middle of the day and showed no fear of people.  He was obviously unwell and was frothing at the mouth.  He was shot and removed by Greer County law enforcement officers who stated they would take him to the local vet for examination.

Lacey Covar, M.P.H., epidemiologist at the Oklahoma Department of Health, stated that animals suspected of having rabies are sent for testing after exposing a person, usually by a bite. The cost of testing an animal at the state lab is about $500.00 and is prohibitive for most local governments for routine testing of suspected cases.  She stated that bats and skunks are the most commonly infected animals in Oklahoma, although any mammal can become infected. In the last ten years, there have been lab-confirmed cases of rabies in raccoon, foxes, bobcats, goats, deer, horses and cattle in the state, in addition to dogs and cats. There have been no laboratory confirmed cases of rabies in Greer county since 2008.  

It is important to insure that pets are protected against rabies by routine vaccinations.  Because of the potential for exposure, it is important to remember that any animal that appears to be ill or is acting in an unusual manner should not be handled.  In the case of this fox, it was out in the middle of the day (foxes are nocturnal hunters) and had no fear of humans.  Children should be reminded not to approach or handle any stray or wild animals, especially if they show signs of illness.  

There is no treatment for rabies infection, in animals or in humans, once the symptoms of illness appear.  In case of human exposure, or potential exposure when the animal can't be located and tested, the onset of rabies can be prevented by treatment with a series of 4 or 5 injections given in the arm.

Whole Lot O' Shakin' Goin' On!

For a bunch of folks who spend their summers chasing some of the nastiest storms on the planet, a little shake and rattle really freaks them out.  No, I didn't feel the temblors.  I was out on the rig. There is noise and vibration from the drilling and the wind shakes the trailer almost constantly.  The closest thing I can feel to an earthquake out here is the ground shaking if they get the pipe stuck and set off the jars.  We have little earthquakes in Oklahoma, mostly so small they are not even detected, or at least, not recognized for what they are.  There is a long fault line that runs down the center of the state, from up in Kansas to north Texas.  The one that is causing the current flurry is a much shorter line about half way between Tulsa and OKC.  There was a quake on this fault last fall that I did feel at home.  The one that is most widely known in the state is in the southwest corner in the Wichita Mountains near Meers, not too far from the Ft Sill Army base.

This 5.6 quake was the largest ever in the state.  Before last night, the largest was a 5.3 at El Reno in 1952.  

      Oklahoma Hit With 10 Aftershocks Following 5.6-Magnitude Earthquake

The magnitude 5.6 earthquake and its aftershocks still had residents rattled Sunday. No injuries were reported, and aside from a buckled highway and the collapse of a tower on the St. Gregory's University administration building, neither was any major damage. But the weekend earthquakes were among the strongest yet in a state that has seen a dramatic, unexplained increase in seismic activity.

Oklahoma typically had about 50 earthquakes a year until 2009. Then the number spiked, and 1,047 quakes shook the state last year, prompting researchers to install seismographs in the area.

Still, most of the earthquakes have been small.

Saturday night's big one jolted Oklahoma State University's stadium shortly after the No. 3 Cowboys defeated No. 17 Kansas State. Fans were still leaving the game.

"That shook up the place, had a lot of people nervous," Oklahoma State wide receiver Justin Blackmon said.  (click the link to read the entire story from the AP)

About Those Zombies....

Well, I am here.  After all the intensity of the last few months, the pressure is off.  It is kind of like being in a room with a loud noise. 

You kind of get used to it after a while and when the noise suddenly stops, its a bit disorienting.  A relief, to be sure, but somewhat disorienting.  Still, I find myself waiting for the next thing.  What next thing?  I don't know, just the next thing.  Sort of like when the soundtrack of a movie builds to a dramatic crescendo then stops, you just know the zombie is about to jump out of the shadows and grab the hero!

I finished my last radiation treatment on Tuesday.  It was sort of anticlimactic, in a way.  Maybe it won't feel like I am really done until the burns heal up.  Certainly, walking out of those doors (ok, not walking, more like dancing) was like a huge weight falling off my shoulders, but it still seemed odd. That clinic has been such a huge part my life for the last few months, I have developed sort of a love - hate relationship with it.  Sometimes, I wonder if we don't all suffer from some form of post traumatic stress disorder after everything we go through.

So, what comes next?  I know I will have to be on guard for the rest of my life.  I will see the oncologist in Dec.  I guess I will find out then.  I don't know what kind of testing is done to check for spread of the cancer in the out years.  I know many women who discovered it in their bones or liver some years after they finished treatment.  And then, I am at higher risk for starting all over and finding a whole new cancer.  These are things that lurk in the back of my mind always.  That's my zombie, I guess.  

But, no matter what, I am going to have fun today.  I am going to enjoy the fall breezes and the company of friends and family.  I will be silly and laugh.  I will watch the last few monarch butterflies as they migrate south for the winter.  I am going to tell my kids, again, just how much I love them and how proud I am of the people they have grown up to be. I am going to hug my grandkids so hard that they squeal and hold hands with the love of my life as much as I can.  I will turn my face to the sun and smile, because I can.  I am going to live with as much joy and gratitude as my heart can bear!

I made it! Today is the day I have been looking forward to for many long months. I had my last treatment today! I can get up in the morning when I dang well please and I won’t have to go get irradiated. Now, I can finally start to recover, really recover. No more chemical or radiation poisoning! Hallelujah!

Wow! Lightning and thunder and pouring rain! I'd forgotten how wonderful it smelled! Thank God, we need it so badly.

Days of 47 Rodeo - Rodeo Clown Saves the Day

This happened in Oct of last year. This is what Dusty was doing instead of coming to the family reunion. You see, Dusty is my cousin. And one tough fellow!

Oklahoma City: Old America, today’s America

by FloridaGoGo

By Bob & Sandy Nesoff
Special to Florida GoGo

The serene reflecting pool and, to the right, the field of "Empty Chairs" representing those killed in the explosion at the Alfred P. Murrrah Federal Building.

The resolve of the American people has been tested time and again by enemies domestic and foreign.  The most well-known was the 9-11-01 attack on the World Trade Center in New York, now a memorial to the nearly 3,000 people killed by Islamic terrorists.
Nearly forgotten in the aftermath of that attack was the horror brought to the people of Oklahoma City on April 19, 1995 by white supremacist Timothy McVeigh and several accomplices in the destruction of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing 168 people including 19 children under the age of six.
But the people of Oklahoma Cityhave not forgotten and they have built a memorial at the site for all to see the strength of the American people in the face of adversity and horror and, especially, the fortitude of Oklahomans.
OKC, as the locals refer to the city, is a welcoming and warm venue with a population that honors its heritage and manages to keep one foot in the present and one in the past.  The grace the state showed to the world following the bombing is typical of the response that Americans have to great tragedy…they come together and march forward.

The National memorial, as the Murrah site is now known, is an incredible venue that should be on everyone’s “must see” list in a visit to OKC.  It is tastefully done and very emotional at the same time without resorting to theatrics.
One room is set up as a board room with a meeting about to begin.  A recording of the meeting is played when, suddenly, the explosion is heard.  The recording stops dead and the facing glass wall lights up with pictures of all those killed in the blast.
Walking through the remainder of the memorial visitors view parts of the building salvaged after the blast.  There are personal items such as shoes and eye glasses, a federal shield and much more.
Outside is a garden and beyond that a reflecting pool.  Just past the pool is a field of “Empty Chairs,” one for each victim.  No one leaves without a feeling of sadness but also with a positive attitude toward the Oklahomans who faced tragedy, overcame it and moved on…but never forgot.
It seemed difficult to move on to something more enjoyable after so solemn a visit, but Oklahoma is a part of the Old West and celebrates that history with vigor.  And there is no better place to honor that legacy than at the Cowboy Hall of Fame and Museum.
To read more, click here.  It's a great article about OKC!  

Just for Fun plus One for Avi

Here are a few things I have picked up along the way...just for fun! I added a kittie just for Avi!

I died today. You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now. Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge . Would I still be at home if I hadn’t chewed your shoe? I didn’t know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys. Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn’t get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t barked? I was only saying, “I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m here, I’m here! I want to be your best friend.” Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn’t make me learn how. Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and to teach manners to me? You didn’t pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me. I died today. Love, Your Puppy Please forward this to everyone, its time to stop animal abuse.

You Can't Make This Stuff Up!

STOCKHOLM –  A seemingly intoxicated moose has been discovered entangled in an apple tree by a stunned Swede.

Per Johansson says he heard a roar from his vacationing neighbor's garden in southwestern Sweden late Tuesday and went to have a look. There, he found a female moose kicking about in the tree. The animal was likely drunk from eating fermented apples.

With the help of police and rescue services, the 45-year-old Johansson later managed to set the moose free in part by sawing off tree branches.

But the animal appeared confused and wandered into Johansson's garden, where she was still resting Thursday.

Other neighbors in the Goteborg suburb Saro had seen the animal sneaking around the area for days. Johansson said the moose appeared to be sick, drunk or "half-stupid."

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/scitech/2011/09/08/drunk-swedish-moose-found-stuck-in-tree/#ixzz1XPUeuUT0

BREAKING NEWS

      The President has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".  The President also announced that the Secret Service and Maxine Waters continues an investigation of the quake's suspicious ties to the Tea Party. Conservatives however have proven that it was caused by the founding fathers rolling over in their graves.

New Calf

The girls (granddaughter Kayle and her friend, Angelita) came out this morning to feed the cows for me and found our new baby. He is probably a couple days old, still young enough for Kayle to chase down and catch. Angelita snapped the photo. They are both so cute!

Better Than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her. She showed him into her quaint sitting room and invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.  As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was filled with water and in the water floated, of all things,a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, pointing to the bowl, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?"

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease."

"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

ht Karin...

While We Weren't Looking

The federal government has reached into our lives through continuing excessive regulation for a while now, but it seems that lately it has gone into over-drive. We are all (most of us, anyway) lamenting the law that forces us to use mercury light bulbs in our homes, but there is so much more and more far reaching things coming at us. The Department of Transportation is now proposing new requirements for commercial drivers licenses for farmers. Think that this won't affect you unless you farm? Think again...

In our area, crushed by an extreme drought, farmers are being stopped and ticketed if they have more than four head of cattle in the trailer they are pulling behind their pickups. That means that it is much more difficult to move cattle from one pasture to another, as well as moving them to the sales. There are record numbers of stock now being sold because they can't be fed. I will be selling all but about 5 head of my own cattle in the coming weeks.

Don't forget the new clean air standards...if you plow a field, or if the wind blows (that never happens in the plains...duh) you are in violation of the level of allowed particulates according to the new standards. And they still haven't given up entirely on the idea of taxing livestock because of the methane they produce.

And don't forget the new food safety law...that gives the FDA the power to reach right into your back yard garden, if they so choose.

The end result of all this...well, I hope you like all those frankenfoods produced by the big corporate farms. These regulations will make family farms and small produce farms impossible to run. The small farms care about what they produce, because they eat it too. It matters what my cattle eat, because I butcher our own. The folks that sell local produce at the farmers market care about the pesticides and fertilizers they use, because they consume the same stuff they are selling.

At the end of the article I posted below, it notes that the comment period for this idiocy is open until Monday. I don't know where to go and leave my comment, but I will be looking. I ask everyone who enjoys eating to go tell these morons to just crawl back into their holes! Otherwise, if you live in an urban area, maybe you should start swapping recipes for how to cook concrete. At least there will be plenty of that where you live...

New federal license law stirring up controversy

By: Dylan Wohlenhaus, WDAY Wolverton, MN

A new federal law proposal is stirring up controversy in the farm land. The Department of Transportation is considering commercial drivers licenses for anyone who drives a tractor, pulls a cattle trailer and drives a farm licensed semi. It would also regulate hours worked in a week. That could make it a lot tougher to hire farm help and harvest crop.

All you need is a regular driver’s license to drive tractors like these now. Long haul semi drivers and bus drivers go through vigorous testing that can cost hundreds of dollars. And the new regulation could mean farmers would have to work less and couldn't hire hands as easy as they can now.

Farming isn't a job, or just a paycheck for many around here. It's a way of life, and that's no different for Kit Nichol.

Kit Nichol – Longtime Family Farmer: "Being a part of something like a harvest, it’s just exciting. It’s just fun."

She and her family have farmed for more than 20 years. Their kids grew up driving tractors, and if help was needed, they would hire on someone else. But that may change.

Nichol: "How many people get hit by a tractor in a year? If your standing in the way in the middle of the field maybe. But it’s just something that makes a whole lot of nonsense."

A new regulation proposed by the Federal Motor Carrier Safety Association would require everyone who drives a tractor, pulls a cattle trailer and drives a farm registered semi to get a commercial drivers license. But that’s not where it ends. Commercial drivers also need to pay highway use taxes and limit hours worked in a week-Possibly meaning an end to the late night harvest.

Doug Goehring – Ag Commissioner: “This is insane. You start limiting the time they can work and what they can do, I guess the next question is how much do you want to pay for food?”

Farmers and ag experts say limiting hours, tracking miles and searching for CDL certified help would deal a huge blow to family farms like the Nichols near Wolverton.

Nichol: "That it’s just one more form of regulation trying to control people and really make everything more expensive."

The regulation proposal is open for public comment until Monday.

Worth Remembering

This is in a frame in the consultation room at the cancer center. The only way I could capture it was to snap a pic with my cell phone. It turned out pretty good, considering. I really liked it and wanted to share.

Super-duper, awesome, terrific, wonderful suprise at the Cancer Clinic today. I saw the oncologist (like every time before chemo) and he told me I didn't have to do six treatments. I only needed 4, and today was number 4!!! Whoopee, this was the last one!

Yes, It's That Hot!

Since I live in the country, I take a shortcut on back roads to the highway that goes south to Altus (the next town of any size). Today, just a few miles from the house we saw this in the distance. I took these shots about a mile away from it. I didn't want it to dissipate before I got at least one picture. Looks like a tornado, doesn't it? It isn't, this is a heat vortex. Basically, a huge whirlwind cause by heat rising from the ground. It was about 105 according to the temp readout on the car. Impressive, huh?

Dumb dog....quilled again! I have lost track of how many times. You'd think he would learn not to try and sniff a porcupine. At least it was only about 5-6 quills this time. Last time, it was at least 20.

Note to Self..... The Pity Train has just derailed at the intersection of Suck It Up & Move On and crashed into We All Have Problems before coming to a complete stop at Get the Hell Over It. Reporting LIVE from Quitchur Bitchin'. :)

Ranting and Raving

This is getting old, fast!  I know this won't go on forever, in fact, the chemo part will over by the end of August.  That seems like a long time away, though.  I am getting sick and tired of being sick and tired!  I am not the kind of person who has ever been unable to do what I wanted, when I wanted.  That is just not happening right now.
It's Independence Day, a day for celebrating our nation's birthday.  A day of being outside, cooking and eating with friends and family, watching those glorious fireworks displays with all the martial music when the sun goes down.  (I just love those Sousa marches!)  But I can't do the heat at all - and it is very, very hot here - and even thinking about eating BBQ, or hot dogs or any other outdoor cooking treats is absolutely out of the question!  Not that it matters, my tongue feels scalded and nothing, not even water, tastes like it should. Thankfully, these things only last about a week and I start feeling better.
The new thing, though, is weakness. I have a persistent shaky weakness in my legs and to some degree, in my arms. It has come on slowly but is not improving with time and I suspect it will continue to get worse as time goes by. I so want to get up and do what I normally do and I just run out of steam. Who would ever have thought I would be complaining that I couldn't take the stupid trash out!  I am still trying to do as much as I can.  I figure it will be worse if I don't keep pushing.
On the up side, I haven't lost my eyebrows!  Well, not all of them.  OK, it may not seem like much, but hey, you claim your victories where you find them, right?  I still have a few eyelashes, too. Otherwise, well, I don't have to shave my legs anymore, either!
We are getting ready to go to town and watch the fireworks display.  So many towns around here have cancelled due to the extreme drought and high fire danger.  Mangum shoots theirs off at the football field, so it is more contained.  We will be taking the RV and parking in the lot outside the arena.  That way, if I just can't hang, I will have a place to go chill.  We should be able to see everything just fine from the parking lot.  I am taking the camera and maybe I will get some good pictures I can share.
OK, enough whining...

Half Done

Chemo number 3 done today, that means I am half way done!  So far, so good.  I am getting a little weaker, but, overall, I think I am doing pretty good.  However...I have decided bald is not beautiful afterall.  Not for me, anyway.

One Down, Five to Go

Well, I have the first chemo under my belt.  The dragon, so far, has turned out to be a large, albeit ugly, lizard.  Whew!  It isn't pleasant, but I haven't spent any time praying to the porcelain gods.  They have a new long-acting anti-nausea drug and it seems to work well.  Today, I had to get the Neulasta to boost my white cell count.  I am now waiting to see how that goes.  The main thing with that is bone pain from kicking the bone marrow into high gear.   I will get to keep my hair for a little while longer.  It should start to fall out in about 2-3 weeks.
I can't tell everyone how much their thoughts and prayers mean to me.  It really helps me a lot.

T -20 Hours and Counting

Well, tomorrow is the day...my first chemo treatment.  I have to go to Lawton for this one (about 90 miles away) and then I can just go to Altus (25 or so miles).  We are going over tonight and staying with family so we don't have to get up as early in the morning.  Not like that will matter much.  I am not sure how I will sleep tonight, wondering just how sick I will be.  At least Mike is going to be home for the next week with me.  He is so good, so supportive and it really gives me a lot of comfort in facing the unknown.

Chemotherapy

I had my appointment with the medical oncologist last Thursday.  I like the guy, and that always helps.  If you don't like your Doc, it is hard to have confidence in whatever he or she is telling you.  Not that I liked what he said one little bit. 
I was hoping that I would get away without needing chemo, but it looks like I will be doing it after all.  Because of my age, he strongly recommended chemotherapy.  The younger you are, the more aggressively breast cancer can grow.  I am still considered young enough to have a chance of fairly aggressive growth of any cells that may have escaped the surgeon. 
The chemo agents they use for this are pretty nasty.  Taxotere, a plant-derived alkaloid, and Cytoxan, a derivative of mustard gas (yeah, nice thought, huh?) are the drugs I have slated for use.  I was hoping I would get through this with my hair, but that's not gonna happen.  Both of these cause hair loss, right down to your eyelashes, for God's sake!  And, sometimes, even your toe and fingernails.
I have been asking myself how in the world does a person voluntarily submit themselves to periodic poisoning.  I know, lots of people have done it, and are doing it now, but the question stands.  Yes, I will do it, but I reserve to myself the right to whine and moan about it periodically.
The up side to all this is the better than 94% survival rate at the end of 10 years.  If I do the chemo, the radiation and then 5 years of hormone suppression (daily pill), the computer program they use to calculate all the variables puts me at greater than 94% at 10 years.  I like those odds...
I am not sure when I will start.  Because the whole point to these drugs is to target rapidly growing cells, I have to be healed from the surgeries.  Once I start, there won't be any more healing of anything.  I am going to the dentist on Thurs to make sure I won't run into any trouble there while this is going on.  I will see the oncologist again on the 12th and I imagine he will decide then when this is going to start. 
I really wanted to have a big garden this year, but I have resigned myself to having a couple of tomato plants in pots on the back porch.  I have managed to give all the kittens away and am trying to decide what to do with the cat.  I certainly can't be scooping a litter box and I don't relish the idea of having her around with out a litter box in the house, just in case.  I think the dogs will be ok, but I am thinking about taking them to the vet for a check up and any advice he might have for me.  However, the little dog better stop peeing in the floor.  I am about done with that, even without chemo.  The surgeries I had are all on the left side and I shoot right handed...besides, a .22 rifle doesn't have any recoil to speak of (just sayin').
I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has gone through this before, either personally or with a family member. 

'Cuz I Like This Poem..

“Hope” is the thing with feathers

By Emily Dickinson (1830–1886)

“Hope” is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all -


And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -
And sore must be the storm -
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm -


I’ve heard it in the chillest land -
And on the strangest Sea -
Yet - never - in Extremity,
It asked a crumb - of me.

The Beginning

Since I decided to blog about what is going on, I guess the best place to start is the start.  This will bring everything up to date.
March 9th - our 33rd wedding anniversary.  We hadn't planned on anything special, just a quiet evening at home.  Mike had to go back to work the next morning for his 2 week hitch.  The cows needed another round bale and it is so much easier when the person on the skid loader doesn't have to get in and out to open and close gates or cut the baling twine.  Mike operated the skid loader and I got the gates and cut the twine. 
Chores done, we walked back to the house together.  My shirt was covered with hay and I was brushing off as we went.  That's when I found it.  Good grief, it was so obvious!  How could I have missed this big hard lump!?  I almost couldn't believe it was really there, but when I said something, Mike had no trouble finding it either.  I knew, immediately, that this was trouble.
I called first thing next morning and managed to get an appointment to see a Dr. at the women's center in Altus the very next day.  I thought that was really something, a new patient getting in that fast.  I had my diagnostic mamo on the 17th.  There is a standardized scoring system, called BiRads, that is used to score the results.  The scale is 0 to 6.  I scored a 5.  This means that the appearance of the lesion on the X-rays and the ultrasound has a 95% or greater chance of being a malignancy.
Dr. Burton's office called me within a few minutes of my leaving the imaging center.  She wanted me to come back to her office.  I already knew that the lesion was malignant.  I knew from the start.  The call, coming so soon after the imaging, was confirmation, though I didn't need it. By the time I left her office, I had an appointment with a surgeon.
After a visit with the surgeon, I was scheduled for surgery to remove the mass on the 25th.  Of course, it was exactly as I expected and preliminary pathology showed ductal carcinoma.  The surgeon got good clean margins.  Mike was still holding out hope that it wasn't cancer, in spite of everything I had told him in order to prepare him, so it was rough on him when the Dr. came out and told him. 
After my post-op visit, I was scheduled for the CT and bone scans.  For me, this was the scary part.  The scans themselves are not a big thing, except for drinking that nasty stuff for the CT scan.  They aren't painful, they don't take long and, since I am not claustrophobic, they aren't especially stressful.  They were scary because this is where the rubber meets the road.  The results of these tests would tell me a great deal about the survivability of my disease.  These tests are to look for metastatic lesions.  Had the cancer already spread?
I didn't have to wait long.  The surgeon called me the next afternoon and told me the scans were clear.  Hallelujah!  Huge, positive news.  Now it was time to make some tough decisions.  Mike had told me to make whatever decision I felt was the best and he was fine with it, just as long as it improved the chances for a cure.  My surgeon was great.  He answered my questions and was able to quotes studies and statistics when I asked.  I am all about the numbers...He patiently discussed my options.  I chose to go with the lumpectomy I had already done and radiation therapy.  I could have chosen the mastectomy, but that is a pretty big surgery and, based on what we knew, wouldn't have given a better outcome in the long term.  The report of the DNA and cell receptors of the tumor was still pending, but it wouldn't affect the outcomes as far as surgery was concerned.
Just because I decided against the mastectomy didn't get me out of another trip to surgery.  I still had to have the lymph nodes checked for cancer cells.  These are the axillary nodes.  The idea is to start by removing the node closest to the tumor (the sentinel node) and keep removing them until the pathologist says they are clean.  Axillary is the anatomical term for armpit, so this time I expected a lot more discomfort than the first time.
When I got back to my room after surgery, Mike told me what the Dr. had said.  The nodes (only 2 of them were removed) had shown no signs of cancer.  Wow, maybe I wouldn't have to have chemotherapy!  We wouldn't know for sure until the detailed path was done, so I tried not to get my hopes up too high.  The size of the tumor is a good indicator of how likely it is to spread.  Mine, roughly the size of a hen's egg, was in the range that could easily have started to spread.
I didn't have to wait long.  I had the surgery on Tuesday and I got the call on Thursday.  The pathology was back and the nodes were, indeed, clear.  I really feel like I have dodged a bullet, well, more like a mortar round!  But there is still that little voice in the back of my mind that asks if the right nodes were checked.  No way to know...
That brings the story up to date.  I am doing well, but I was right about the second surgery hurting more than the first.  I actually used the pain pills they gave me this time and I didn't need them the first time.  And my stamina has been more affected than I expected, too.  I left the house for the first time today.  I needed a few things from the store.  It got to me a lot more than I would have expected.  I go back for follow up on Monday.  I will find out about the cell receptors then and will have a better idea what the treatment plan will be. I will get a referral to the oncologist then. 

What Do You Think?

As some of my friends already know, I have been going through some tough changes.  I have been thinking of using this blog as kind of a journal and posting my experiences as I go through the process of treating my cancer.  The thing is, I am kind of a private person and I hate to show my emotional side, even to my closest family.  It makes me feel weak and out of control.  I don't want pity and I don't want to be perceived as a whiner and I am not sure I can record my experiences without coming off that way.  It is an emotional rollercoster, to be sure.  Of course, I do know there are a few of my friends I could count on to jerk me up straight if I stray to far into the weeds and that may be a very good thing.  Sometimes we need a hug, and sometimes we need a firm boot to the backside to keep us on the right path, ya know? 

So, I need to know what you think.  I really want the input, so be honest.  If you think it is creepy or self serving (things I have thought about myself) say so.  Have you been there yourself or gone through this with a loved one?  Would you care to know or would it fall squarely into the TMI zone?

Hallelujah! Home after surgery and the news is good! Preliminary path didn't find any cancer cells in the lymph nodes!

My Path

My feet have been set upon a path I did not choose to travel.  No one chooses this path, though many have passed this way before me.  The ones who have gone this way before have blazed the trail, making the journey less uncertain.  They have trod the surface smooth, but the trail is still difficult and some still fall by the wayside. 

The territory this path leads through is often dark.  The way twists and turns, and the road ahead often can't be clearly seen.  There are side trails that can unexpectedly lead away.  These may rejoin the path after a time, or end in a wilderness from which there is no return.  There are deep, menacing valleys and steep hills that for some are impossible to climb.  They are lost along the way.  

For me, there are points of light in this journey.  The support and love of those close to me gives me strength and hope to accomplish the task before me.  It is my journey alone to complete and I must walk each step myself, but the encouragement and guidance of others will keep me moving in the right direction until I can rejoin the path I had chosen for my life.

I have only begun my journey, but already, my world is contracting around me so my focus narrows to the road ahead.  Of my friends, I ask to be held in your thoughts and prayers. 

“Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death!”Earl Wilson

SNOW...klahoma where the cold front's sweepin' down the plain. And the piles of sleet, beneath your feet follow right behind the freezing rain! We know we belong to the land...... But it sure could use more salt and sand..... That's why we say.....WHOA! We're sliding the other way.....YIKES! We're only sayin': You're slick as snot SNOWklahoma SNOWklahoma SNOW-K-L-A-H-O-M-A SNOWklahoma, SNOW-K!(copied from my cousin's post)