Well, I am here. After all the intensity of the last few months, the pressure is off. It is kind of like being in a room with a loud noise.
You kind of get used to it after a while and when the noise suddenly stops, its a bit disorienting. A relief, to be sure, but somewhat disorienting. Still, I find myself waiting for the next thing. What next thing? I don't know, just the next thing. Sort of like when the soundtrack of a movie builds to a dramatic crescendo then stops, you just know the zombie is about to jump out of the shadows and grab the hero!
I finished my last radiation treatment on Tuesday. It was sort of anticlimactic, in a way. Maybe it won't feel like I am really done until the burns heal up. Certainly, walking out of those doors (ok, not walking, more like dancing) was like a huge weight falling off my shoulders, but it still seemed odd. That clinic has been such a huge part my life for the last few months, I have developed sort of a love - hate relationship with it. Sometimes, I wonder if we don't all suffer from some form of post traumatic stress disorder after everything we go through.
So, what comes next? I know I will have to be on guard for the rest of my life. I will see the oncologist in Dec. I guess I will find out then. I don't know what kind of testing is done to check for spread of the cancer in the out years. I know many women who discovered it in their bones or liver some years after they finished treatment. And then, I am at higher risk for starting all over and finding a whole new cancer. These are things that lurk in the back of my mind always. That's my zombie, I guess.
But, no matter what, I am going to have fun today. I am going to enjoy the fall breezes and the company of friends and family. I will be silly and laugh. I will watch the last few monarch butterflies as they migrate south for the winter. I am going to tell my kids, again, just how much I love them and how proud I am of the people they have grown up to be. I am going to hug my grandkids so hard that they squeal and hold hands with the love of my life as much as I can. I will turn my face to the sun and smile, because I can. I am going to live with as much joy and gratitude as my heart can bear!
