The Company Christmas Party

H/T Bastiat

Technorati Tags: funnies,Christmas

 

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 10, 2012
RE:       Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks!  We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.  And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.  Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.  This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

Company Memo
FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All Employees
DATE:    November 11, 2012
RE:       Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.  We recognize that  Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.  However, from now on,  we're calling it our "Holiday Party."  The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.  There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.  We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:        All Employees
DATE:   November 12, 2012
RE:          Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name..  I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that  reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.  How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Company Memo

FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:        All Employees
DATE:   November 13, 2012
RE:        Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are!  I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.  There goes the party!  Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.  Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy.  Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other.  Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms.  Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .  The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo

FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:         All F*%^ing Employees
DATE:    November  13, 2012
RE:         The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!!  We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.  But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.  They scream when you slice them.  I've heard them scream.  I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss.  I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo

FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:   November  14, 2012
RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan  Bishop

But, I Loved You…

I died today. You got tired of me and took me to the shelter. They were overcrowded and I drew an unlucky number. I am in a black plastic bag in a landfill now. Some other puppy will get the barely used leash you left. My collar was dirty and too small, but the lady took it off before she sent me to the Rainbow Bridge . Would I still be at home if I hadn’t chewed your shoe? I didn’t know what it was, but it was leather, and it was on the floor. I was just playing. You forgot to get puppy toys. Would I still be at home if I had been housebroken? Rubbing my nose in what I did only made me ashamed that I had to go at all. There are books and obedience teachers that would have taught you how to teach me to go to the door. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t brought fleas into the house? Without anti-flea medicine, I couldn’t get them off of me after you left me in the yard for days. Would I still be at home if I hadn’t barked? I was only saying, “I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m here, I’m here! I want to be your best friend.” Would I still be at home if I had made you happy? Hitting me didn’t make me learn how. Would I still be at home if you had taken the time to care for me and to teach manners to me? You didn’t pay attention to me after the first week or so, but I spent all my time waiting for you to love me. I died today.

Love, Your Puppy

What You Can Do

I found this little article in the newsletter I get from the treatment center.  I have thought about writing a blog like this, but I didn’t quite know where to start.  This lady sums things up quite nicely.  The italicized text below will be thoughts and suggestions I have added.

I am doing quite well.  My treatment was finished one year ago in October.  It has taken a full year to get my strength and stamina back to almost normal.  So, if you have someone who is getting treatment, remember that they will need help beyond that time when they are actively being treated. 

 

By Debbie McDonald, Director of Oncology Data Services,                  Cancer Treatment Centers of Southwest Oklahoma

When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer it’s sometimes difficult to know how to help, what to do or the right thing to say.  Having spent a large majority of my time with people traveling this road and through survivorship, I have compiled 5 basic tips for helping your friend or loved one through the cancer journey based on the most frequent feedback from cancer patients.

1. Say Anything - If you are hesitant to reach out for lack of knowing
the “right thing” to say, Simple, even cliché, is totally fine. “I’m
thinking of you” never gets old. “I hear you have had some bad news.
I’m so sorry. I hope things go well for you.” is always good to hear. 
Whatever you do, don’t avoid me. Avoidance makes me feel isolated
and alone. I am not contagious.

When my Mom was sick, she had friends of a lifetime that didn’t come to see her because they “just couldn’t see her like that”.  Well, she didn’t much like seeing herself like that and I know I didn’t like seeing myself like that either!  But, there I was, staring out of the mirror with my bald head and dark circles around my eyes, pale as a ghost.  Suck it up and go see them!  Just don’t stay a long time unless you plan on letting them rest while you do something for them. Just don’t go if you are sick.  Your annoying cold might mean a hospital stay for them if they get exposed at the wrong time in the treatment cycle.

2. Avoid Comparisons – Everyone’s Cancer is different. Every case has elements that make chemo more or less effective, that make surgery more or
less imperative, that make survival more or less probable. It is truly not helpful to hear about the family members you have lost to cancer.

3. Play Godfather -  Back in the 70’s Marlon Brando delivered the line, “I’m
going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” which is a good rule of thumb
for the friend of the cancer patient. 

Mow the yard, set up a play date for the kids at your house.
Tell me what night you will be bringing dinner. Decorate my  house if it’s a holiday (it’s important to me that my children feel normal during this difficult time), throw a load of laundry in while you are visiting or just show up to clean the house.  I will tell you that you don’t need to do this.  I will tell you I can’t think of anything I need right now. I will tell you that I will call you if I need something. Odds are good that I won’t really make that call when I
do actually need help.  It’s hard to accept help when you are so used
to being the one giving it. So.. if you really want to help, you will have
to make me an offer that I cannot refuse.

Different kinds of chemo for different kinds of cancer have different side effects.  For me, the first week was the worst and after about 10 days I began to feel better.  By the end of the 3rd week, I felt pretty good just in time to do it all over again.  It will depend on the treatment, but this is something to keep in mind.  You might want to take your friend out for a meal, or to a movie or a short shopping trip.  Even a short trip to the park to enjoy the sun and feed the ducks was a nice diversion that I enjoyed (it was brutally hot here when I was getting treated.  I really wanted to go fishing, but I couldn’t stand the heat).  Keep in mind that the fatigue and weakness continue to be an issue even when they feel pretty well and that continues to worsen through the course of treatment. I was lucky to have a wonderful husband, attentive family and a friend to stay with me when I needed someone since my hubby works away from home.  The things I just couldn’t do – change my bed (not enough strength to lift the mattress), push my heavy vacuum, sweep the kitchen floor.  Part of this was related to the surgery.  It may be different, depending on what, if any, surgery was involved.  Some simple things you can do:  take the trash out, move those heavy trash cans to the curb on trash day and stop back by to put them up, take Fido to the groomer.  Easy stuff that isn’t so easy when you feel bad.

4. Guard My Privacy - Being treated for cancer means that any sense of
physical privacy I had has evaporated as I parade around in backless hospital gowns and get poked and prodded from all sides. Help me to retain
some small shred of control by not talking about my condition with others without my permission.  Remember that it is not yours to tell, good, bad or other unless we have discussed it first.

No one likes to be the subject of gossip…for whatever reason!

5. Support Me -  Some say that having cancer is like running a marathon.
No matter how much you love me, you cannot run it for me,  though
you would like to. You can make sure that I have nutritious meals to eat.
You can help me find path markers and steady me when I stumble and
when my spirits sag and my body is weak your strength, love, and respect
can encourage me to take the next step… and then the next one.

Little things can make a huge difference.  Instead of just one card from work, with everyone signing, get a handful and hand them out.  Then mail them all separately.  A card shower is the coolest thing to get from those you who may not otherwise call or visit.  I know I had prayers from all over and I really believe it made a huge difference.  If your friend or family member is a believer, make sure they know you are praying for them.  What ever you decide to do, big or small, just do something!

Gypsy Meets a Porcupine

 

There was a big fuss this morning about 4 AM.  The dogs insisted on going outside and, once there, barked and yipped and carried on for a bit.  There was no way to know what poor critter they were so worked up over.  Klaus hates armadillos and dispatches them fairly quickly.  Howling coyotes will also set them off, but that usually happens in the evening.  They don’t like deer coming close to the house and an encounter with a skunk is very rapidly apparent to everyone.  Raccoons and possums are also nocturnal critters that frequent this place.  And porcupines…

We let the dogs in this morning and, sure enough, it was a porcupine that had caused the fuss earlier, no doubt about it.

 

Klaus, who has experience with the prickly parts of a porcupine, has only a single quill in the end of his nose.  Gypsy, however, had a face full!  She is a very vocal pup and here she was telling me all about it!

I was able to easily remove the quill from Klaus’s nose, but was only able to a few from Gypsy.  The quills are barbed and are painful to remove, so it is hard to get them to be still to pull very many.  I wasn’t able to tell if she had them in her mouth, too.

Nothing to do but call the vet.  He sedates them for the removal and can thoroughly exam their mouth and throat to be sure the quills are all gone.  Since there are more than a few porcupines in this part of the world, they have a lot of experience at removing quills.

The quills are not poison, but can prevent an animal from eating or drinking, depending on where the quills are and this can lead death.  After attempting to eat a bit, she just gave up and laid down for a nap.  No rest for the weary, though, just a leash and a trip in the car!

These are the quills I was able to remove.  As you can see, they aren’t very long.  The dark tip is the business end.  They are sharp and have microscopic barbs.  They expand on contact with warm flesh and will work themselves in more deeply if left alone. 

North American porcupines are about the size of a miniature poodle and a large male can reach 30 pounds.  They may sport as many as 30,000 quills spread over their body and tail.  Only their tummy, legs and head are free of quills.  When threatened, they turn their backs to the danger and raise their quills.  They don’t shoot quills, but the slightest contact will make them turn loose.  They use their tails and strike their attacker or just back into them.  While the threat is busy with a suddenly prickly predicament, the porcupine beats a hasty retreat, usually into a tree.

Miss Gypsy will be just fine.  I will go get her from the vet this afternoon.  They always want to keep animals that they sedate until they are fully awake and doing well.  For those of you in my area, I use Westside Animal Clinic in Altus.  They are very capable and take care of your pets as if they were their own.  For established patients, they even have after hours and weekend emergency care for the furrier members of the family.

A Letter

A Letter is the warmest way

To bid a friend the time of day.

A keep-in-touch that brings the smiles

Across the very longest miles.

And what a wealth of strength and hope

Is tucked inside an envelope.

Reminding loved ones that you are,

At least in heart, not very far.

In no country, state or camp,

The wealth beneath a postage stamp,

For memories that never age

Are written down upon each page.

And though it's nice to telephone,

One of the sweetest pleasures known

Are moments shared in thoughts we send

That can be read and read, again.

 

I found this verse in our local newspaper.  I tried to find out who wrote it, but had no luck.  Letters and cards once were an important part of life, but letter writing is rapidly becoming a lost art.  This little verse reminded me how much I miss those handwritten notes and letters from those closest to me. 

Of Critters, Creatures and Creepy Crawlies

Fall is such a lovely time of year!  The days are warm (not scorching hot, like it was in the summer) and the nights are cool.  The sunlight takes on a golden hue that makes everything glimmer in the sunset.  And oh, the sunsets!  Each evening paints the sky with a new palette of color.  

And the mice come in the house.  Lots of mice...herds of MICE!  They are looking for warmth and shelter, and find it inside, along with lovely nest material from the dishtowel drawer and delicious provisions from the pantry. And, at my house, they find traps!  Traps baited with peanut butter and maple syrup that they find irresistible!  

I don't use poison much.  There is a young dog in my house who can't leave anything alone.  I don't want to poison my pets and I don't want a mouse to crawl behind the cabinets and die, either.  It's amazing how much stink can come from such a little thing.

For the last couple of weeks, my traps have been very busy.  I have lost track of the number of mice I have caught.  The are coming in behind the kitchen cabinets, somewhere, I think, from under the house.  I can't see any holes from inside, so we will have to go under the house, pull back the insulation pack and look for holes (probably around the pipes) to patch.

I keep a couple of traps set in the cabinet under the kitchen sink, since that is where I catch the most mice.  I usually hear them snap closed, but once in a while I miss it.  The cat is good about letting me know when I have caught one. (It's too bad he isn't better at catching them, himself!) He sits and stares at the cabinet doors or scratches at the door trying to open it.  

Sunday evening, I noticed the cat staring at the cabinet doors.  His body language was a little different than usual, but it was plain that there was something in there.  I opened the door....

For the first second or so, my brain couldn't make sense of what my eyes were seeing.  I was expecting a mouse, or at least an empty trap.  The trap definitely wasn't empty and that was not a mouse!

This is a Great Plains Rat Snake.  A young one.   I am sure he came in the same way the mice are coming in.  They are great mousers, as their name implies.  I doubt he would have been in there if not for the mice.  And no, he was very much alive, although I felt he was mortally wounded.  We took him out and killed him all the way dead.  It didn't seem right to turn him loose to a slow death.

As an side, I did catch another mouse later in the evening, in the same cabinet.  I really hate mice!

I am including a bonus critter in this post.  On Saturday, my grand daughter had her sweet sixteen party at the Quartz Mountain Resort.  They had to set up and decorate the room on Friday.  As part of the decorations, there were paper lanterns hung outside on the deck.  As the guests started to arrive Saturday evening, just before sundown, we discovered an uninvited guest.

Nestled in one of the paper lanterns, sleeping peacefully, was this little brown bat.  The kids though this was the coolest thing they had ever seen! We made sure they left the little fellow alone until the sun set and he went on his batty way to make his living.

Can I Say That?

First, a few words about being offended.  I am not easily offended.  Oh, I find lots of stuff out there that is offensive, but, in order to become offended I must "take offence".  And that's the crux of it.  I won't take something that doesn't belong to me.  So, someone can be as offensive as they choose and I simply refuse to claim something that I reject!  For the most part, it isn't worth the time, effort and emotion to get all puffed up about something.  One thing that is offensive to me is the willful ignorance of the terminally stupid.  I can get somewhat "puffed up" about something stupid.  This kind of got me going this morning...                                                                                                                                                                  

State Department: 'Hold down the fort,' other common phrases could be offensive
Published August 30, 2012

FoxNews.com
Watch your mouth -- everyday phrases like "hold down the fort" and "rule of thumb" are potentially offensive bombshells.
At least according to the State Department.
Chief Diversity Officer John Robinson penned a column in the department's latest edition of "State Magazine"  advising readers on some rather obscure Ps and Qs.
Robinson ticked off several common phrases and went on to explain why their roots are racially or culturally insensitive. The result was a list of no-nos that could easily result in some tongue-tied U.S. diplomats, particularly in an administration that swaps "war on terror" for "overseas contingency operation" and once shied away from using the word "terrorism."
For instance, Robinson warned, "hold down the fort" is a potentially insulting reference to American Indian stereotypes.
Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/08/30/state-department-hold-down-fort-other-common-phrases-could-be-offensive/#ixzz258mLei53

The problem here is that even a short effort finds that the reasoning behind the "potentially offensive" phrases is false.  Complete bunk.  These are the same people who bend over backwards to become offended by racist references like "devil's food cake"  and "black hole".  

• The rule of thumb has never had anything to do with wife-beating.  There was never such a thing in English common law.  The length or breadth of a man's thumb has long been used to estimate a measure of something so the phrase evolved meaning "a rough estimate".
• Hold the fort probably originated in the civil war with General Sherman.  He sent a message ahead to "hold the fort" until he arrived with reinforcements.
• Going Dutch means splitting the check equally and probably originated from the "Dutch door" which is divided in the middle so that it has a top and bottom portion.  Anyone remember "Mr. Ed"?  Well, that is a Dutch door.
• Handicap has nothing to do with handouts.  It probably originated in the 1600's with a bartering game, "hand in cap".  It evolved to mean leveling the playing field, which was sort of the point of the game.  That is why the better player gets a handicap, whether it is golf, bowling or a horse race. 

If I could find out these origins in a few minutes, anyone can, if they wanted. The truth, however, has no place in the politically correct world.  Instead, these people would rather spend their time looking for a reason to take offence than to spend a few minutes actually learning something.  

Question Everything!