I found this little article in the newsletter I get from the treatment center. I have thought about writing a blog like this, but I didn’t quite know where to start. This lady sums things up quite nicely. The italicized text below will be thoughts and suggestions I have added.
I am doing quite well. My treatment was finished one year ago in October. It has taken a full year to get my strength and stamina back to almost normal. So, if you have someone who is getting treatment, remember that they will need help beyond that time when they are actively being treated.
By Debbie McDonald, Director of Oncology Data Services, Cancer Treatment Centers of Southwest Oklahoma
When someone you care about is diagnosed with cancer it’s sometimes difficult to know how to help, what to do or the right thing to say. Having spent a large majority of my time with people traveling this road and through survivorship, I have compiled 5 basic tips for helping your friend or loved one through the cancer journey based on the most frequent feedback from cancer patients.
1. Say Anything - If you are hesitant to reach out for lack of knowing
the “right thing” to say, Simple, even cliché, is totally fine. “I’m
thinking of you” never gets old. “I hear you have had some bad news.
I’m so sorry. I hope things go well for you.” is always good to hear.
Whatever you do, don’t avoid me. Avoidance makes me feel isolated
and alone. I am not contagious.
When my Mom was sick, she had friends of a lifetime that didn’t come to see her because they “just couldn’t see her like that”. Well, she didn’t much like seeing herself like that and I know I didn’t like seeing myself like that either! But, there I was, staring out of the mirror with my bald head and dark circles around my eyes, pale as a ghost. Suck it up and go see them! Just don’t stay a long time unless you plan on letting them rest while you do something for them. Just don’t go if you are sick. Your annoying cold might mean a hospital stay for them if they get exposed at the wrong time in the treatment cycle.
2. Avoid Comparisons – Everyone’s Cancer is different. Every case has elements that make chemo more or less effective, that make surgery more or
less imperative, that make survival more or less probable. It is truly not helpful to hear about the family members you have lost to cancer.
3. Play Godfather - Back in the 70’s Marlon Brando delivered the line, “I’m
going to make him an offer he can’t refuse.” which is a good rule of thumb
for the friend of the cancer patient.
Mow the yard, set up a play date for the kids at your house.
Tell me what night you will be bringing dinner. Decorate my house if it’s a holiday (it’s important to me that my children feel normal during this difficult time), throw a load of laundry in while you are visiting or just show up to clean the house. I will tell you that you don’t need to do this. I will tell you I can’t think of anything I need right now. I will tell you that I will call you if I need something. Odds are good that I won’t really make that call when I
do actually need help. It’s hard to accept help when you are so used
to being the one giving it. So.. if you really want to help, you will have
to make me an offer that I cannot refuse.
Different kinds of chemo for different kinds of cancer have different side effects. For me, the first week was the worst and after about 10 days I began to feel better. By the end of the 3rd week, I felt pretty good just in time to do it all over again. It will depend on the treatment, but this is something to keep in mind. You might want to take your friend out for a meal, or to a movie or a short shopping trip. Even a short trip to the park to enjoy the sun and feed the ducks was a nice diversion that I enjoyed (it was brutally hot here when I was getting treated. I really wanted to go fishing, but I couldn’t stand the heat). Keep in mind that the fatigue and weakness continue to be an issue even when they feel pretty well and that continues to worsen through the course of treatment. I was lucky to have a wonderful husband, attentive family and a friend to stay with me when I needed someone since my hubby works away from home. The things I just couldn’t do – change my bed (not enough strength to lift the mattress), push my heavy vacuum, sweep the kitchen floor. Part of this was related to the surgery. It may be different, depending on what, if any, surgery was involved. Some simple things you can do: take the trash out, move those heavy trash cans to the curb on trash day and stop back by to put them up, take Fido to the groomer. Easy stuff that isn’t so easy when you feel bad.
4. Guard My Privacy - Being treated for cancer means that any sense of
physical privacy I had has evaporated as I parade around in backless hospital gowns and get poked and prodded from all sides. Help me to retain
some small shred of control by not talking about my condition with others without my permission. Remember that it is not yours to tell, good, bad or other unless we have discussed it first.
No one likes to be the subject of gossip…for whatever reason!
5. Support Me - Some say that having cancer is like running a marathon.
No matter how much you love me, you cannot run it for me, though
you would like to. You can make sure that I have nutritious meals to eat.
You can help me find path markers and steady me when I stumble and
when my spirits sag and my body is weak your strength, love, and respect
can encourage me to take the next step… and then the next one.
Little things can make a huge difference. Instead of just one card from work, with everyone signing, get a handful and hand them out. Then mail them all separately. A card shower is the coolest thing to get from those you who may not otherwise call or visit. I know I had prayers from all over and I really believe it made a huge difference. If your friend or family member is a believer, make sure they know you are praying for them. What ever you decide to do, big or small, just do something!
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