Thinking Sideways

Have you ever met someone who could think sideways?  I don't think I have, but if such a person exists, it has to be this guy.

Quotations: Steven Wright (1955 - )

US comedian and actor

v  Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

v  Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

v  I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

v  I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

v  I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

v  I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

v  If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

v  It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

v  It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

v  Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

v  Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

v  Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

v  My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

v  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

v  What's another word for Thesaurus?

v  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

v  I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

v  How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

v  If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

v  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

v  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

v  Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

v  I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

v  If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

v  Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

v  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

v  My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

v  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

v  If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

v  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

v  Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

v  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

v  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

v  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

v  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.